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If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey