Knarly Nerd
Quarry Creeper
Give 'em 'ell
BY DAVE BARRY
It is time once again for
"Ask Mister Language Person,"
the only grammar column to have won both
the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.
We shall begin today by reviewing
the correct use of the apostrophe,
which is defined grammatically as
"the little thing that is hard to find
when you put it inside quotation marks,"
as is shown in this example:
""'.
Even top professional writers
have trouble with apostrophes,
as we see in this quotation
from William Shakespeare:
"O Romeo, Romeo
"Your lookin' fine in them tight's."
This is incorrect, of course:
Shakespeare has used the word
"your"
as a participial infraction,
which requires an apostrophe,
as we see in this corrected version:
"O Romeo, Romeo
"You're buttock's
are highly visible
in them tight's."
A lot of people
have this problem,
which is why it is important
to remember the Three Rules
For When To Use Apostrophe's:
1.
TO INDICATE CONTRACTIONS.
Example:
"This childbirth really hurt's!"
2.
IN HERPETOLOGICAL PHRASES.
Example:
"There's snake's in
the Nut 'n' Honey!"
3.
IN LETTERS
TO CUSTOMER SERVICE.
Example: "Dear Moron's:"
Please have these rules
tattooed on your biceps,
because Mister Language Person
is getting tired of correcting people
and may soon turn the whole
matter over to the police.
Now let's take a look at some other
grammar questions that have poured in
to the Institute of Grammar Institute
from readers all over the world:
Q.
Has anybody ever used the word
"penultimate" correctly?
A.
Not since 1949.
Q.
Recently, did your research assistant
Judi Smith make
a grammatically interesting
statement regarding
where her friend,
Vickie, parks at
The Miami Herald?
A.
Yes.
She said,
quote:
"She comes and parks
in whoever's not here's
space that day."
Q.
Can that sentence
be diagramed?
A.
Not without
powerful pharmaceuticals.
Q.
Can you please
quote the caption
to a newspaper photograph
from the Associated Press,
sent in by Patricia Lees,
showing a man
throwing some kind of
whitish substance?
A.
Yes.
It said:
"A protester hurls
yogurt in a demonstration
in Belgrade Wednesday
against the government's
decision to nullify
municipal elections."
Q.
Private citizens
in Belgrade are allowed
to possess yogurt?
A.
Yes.
No wonder there's
trouble over there.
Q.
On Nov. 23, 1996,
The Milwaukee Journal
Sentinel ran a story,
sent to you by
Amy Mason, concerning
six teenagers who
were charged with
illegally shooting 30 deer.
Please print the reaction,
as printed in the story,
of state Department
of Natural Resources
official Dave Zeug.
A.
He said:
"It's sad,
especially this close to
the deer gun season;
there's at least 30
or more deer that
are not available
for someone's
son or daughter."
Q.
Those poor kids!
A.
I'm sure the deer
were also very upset
about missing
deer gun season.
Q.
Please quote from
a 1996 AP story,
sent in by Richard Carvonius,
concerning
a Federal Aviation
Administration decision
to ground a charter airline
for not meeting
federal standards.
A.
The story states
that "planes in the air
were allowed to land."
Q.
No wonder
we have problems,
what with the FAA
being so soft on
these airlines.
A.
If the Internal Revenue Service
were in charge,
this type of situation
would be dealt with via missile.
Q.
How many letters
will you get from people
who are upset because
you used apostrophes
incorrectly in this column?
A.
Hundreds.
Q.
Really?
Even though
it's clear to anybody
with an IQ above
crustacean level
that it's a joke?
A.
Yes.
We will also
receive angry mail
from people on
all sides of
the hunting issue.
Q.
What about
Barry Manilow fans?
A.
Yes,
now that you've
brought his name up.
Thanks a lot.
TODAY'S
LANGUAGE TIP:
To add impact
to dry business reports,
try to personalize
your message
for your specific reader:
WRONG:
"Market stabilization
should ameliorate
short-term growth."
RIGHT:
"Market stabilization
should ameliorate
short-term growth,
you fawk-tard."
GOT A QUESTION FOR
MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON?
He does not care.
BY DAVE BARRY
It is time once again for
"Ask Mister Language Person,"
the only grammar column to have won both
the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.
We shall begin today by reviewing
the correct use of the apostrophe,
which is defined grammatically as
"the little thing that is hard to find
when you put it inside quotation marks,"
as is shown in this example:
""'.
Even top professional writers
have trouble with apostrophes,
as we see in this quotation
from William Shakespeare:
"O Romeo, Romeo
"Your lookin' fine in them tight's."
This is incorrect, of course:
Shakespeare has used the word
"your"
as a participial infraction,
which requires an apostrophe,
as we see in this corrected version:
"O Romeo, Romeo
"You're buttock's
are highly visible
in them tight's."
A lot of people
have this problem,
which is why it is important
to remember the Three Rules
For When To Use Apostrophe's:
1.
TO INDICATE CONTRACTIONS.
Example:
"This childbirth really hurt's!"
2.
IN HERPETOLOGICAL PHRASES.
Example:
"There's snake's in
the Nut 'n' Honey!"
3.
IN LETTERS
TO CUSTOMER SERVICE.
Example: "Dear Moron's:"
Please have these rules
tattooed on your biceps,
because Mister Language Person
is getting tired of correcting people
and may soon turn the whole
matter over to the police.
Now let's take a look at some other
grammar questions that have poured in
to the Institute of Grammar Institute
from readers all over the world:
Q.
Has anybody ever used the word
"penultimate" correctly?
A.
Not since 1949.
Q.
Recently, did your research assistant
Judi Smith make
a grammatically interesting
statement regarding
where her friend,
Vickie, parks at
The Miami Herald?
A.
Yes.
She said,
quote:
"She comes and parks
in whoever's not here's
space that day."
Q.
Can that sentence
be diagramed?
A.
Not without
powerful pharmaceuticals.
Q.
Can you please
quote the caption
to a newspaper photograph
from the Associated Press,
sent in by Patricia Lees,
showing a man
throwing some kind of
whitish substance?
A.
Yes.
It said:
"A protester hurls
yogurt in a demonstration
in Belgrade Wednesday
against the government's
decision to nullify
municipal elections."
Q.
Private citizens
in Belgrade are allowed
to possess yogurt?
A.
Yes.
No wonder there's
trouble over there.
Q.
On Nov. 23, 1996,
The Milwaukee Journal
Sentinel ran a story,
sent to you by
Amy Mason, concerning
six teenagers who
were charged with
illegally shooting 30 deer.
Please print the reaction,
as printed in the story,
of state Department
of Natural Resources
official Dave Zeug.
A.
He said:
"It's sad,
especially this close to
the deer gun season;
there's at least 30
or more deer that
are not available
for someone's
son or daughter."
Q.
Those poor kids!
A.
I'm sure the deer
were also very upset
about missing
deer gun season.
Q.
Please quote from
a 1996 AP story,
sent in by Richard Carvonius,
concerning
a Federal Aviation
Administration decision
to ground a charter airline
for not meeting
federal standards.
A.
The story states
that "planes in the air
were allowed to land."
Q.
No wonder
we have problems,
what with the FAA
being so soft on
these airlines.
A.
If the Internal Revenue Service
were in charge,
this type of situation
would be dealt with via missile.
Q.
How many letters
will you get from people
who are upset because
you used apostrophes
incorrectly in this column?
A.
Hundreds.
Q.
Really?
Even though
it's clear to anybody
with an IQ above
crustacean level
that it's a joke?
A.
Yes.
We will also
receive angry mail
from people on
all sides of
the hunting issue.
Q.
What about
Barry Manilow fans?
A.
Yes,
now that you've
brought his name up.
Thanks a lot.
TODAY'S
LANGUAGE TIP:
To add impact
to dry business reports,
try to personalize
your message
for your specific reader:
WRONG:
"Market stabilization
should ameliorate
short-term growth."
RIGHT:
"Market stabilization
should ameliorate
short-term growth,
you fawk-tard."
GOT A QUESTION FOR
MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON?
He does not care.