Santa Joke

[Shaun]

2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,
Santa


And


Once there was this very VERY horny girl on Chrismas. She really wanted to **** Santa. So she waited at the fireplace for Santa to come down.

When he came down she said, "Oh Santa will you pleaseee stay" and then she took her shit off.

Santa said, "Ho Ho Ho, I better go, have to deliver thease gifts to children ya' know".

So she took of her pants and said, "Please Santa"?

Santa said, " Ho Ho Ho, I better go, have to deliver thease gifts to children you know"?

Then she took everything else off and said, " Pleaseeee"!?

Santa said, "Hey Hey Hey, Guess I'll stay, I can't go up the chimne with my dick this way"

And

what's the best thing about being a meth addict?

only 3 more sleeps 'til christmas.


Post some Christmas(am I allowed to say that out lowed any more?) Jokes if you want too.

 

[clodstall]

i like it.hahahhahahahahahah

and it is CHRISTMAS. i will say it.
the world is going to hell in a hand basket.

 

[samson_simpson]

yes it is:-(

 

[dezfan]

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was a wreck ...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?


His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.


And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.


Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.


And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.


So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!


The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.


And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.


Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."


And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose


And had gone on The Rosie Show, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.


So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,


Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.



And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.


Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.


Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.


No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.


And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.


For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.


No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.


Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.


So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.


He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word these days.


His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.


Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.


A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;


Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.


So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy Peace On Earth."