funny stuff

[mr.freeze]

Company Memo​

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director​

TO: All Employees​

DATE: October 1, 2009​

RE: Gala Christmas Party​

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!​

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!​

Merry Christmas to you and your family,​

Patty ​

​

Company Memo​

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director​

TO: All Employees​

DATE: October 2, 2009​

RE: Gala Holiday Party​

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.​

Happy now?​

Happy Holidays to you and your family,​

Patty ​

​

Company Memo​

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director​

TO: All Employees​

DATE: October 3, 2009​

RE: Holiday Party​

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?​

Somebody?​

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.​

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. ​

​

​

Company Memo​

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director​

To: All Employees​

DATE: October 4, 2009​

RE: Generic Holiday Party​

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?​

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.​

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.​

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.​

We will have booster seats for short people.​

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.​

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.​

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!​

Did I miss anything?!?!?​

Patty ​

​

Company Memo​

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director​

TO: All F*%^ing Employees​

DATE: October 5, 2009​

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party​

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!​

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!​

Drive drunk and die,​

The B*tch from H*ll!!! ​

​

Company Memo​

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director​

DATE: October 6, 2009​

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party​

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.​

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.​

Happy Holidays!​

Joan​

 

[procraft98]

That is sad, but all so true!!!!! Still some funny stuff though!!!!

 

[dragit]

the funny thing is i think our hr department put out a memo like this....... lol

 

[RANOVRU]

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

 

[mr.freeze]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING
sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
>From Kingman , KS ..

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you
need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said,
"NO, it's not! Four is larger than two..."
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the
clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She
said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you
can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the
manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back
the quarter, and said "We're sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing" The
clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not
confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce.
>From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To
which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."Happened in Birmingham ,
Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for.. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We were having a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker, as she was
leaving the company due to 'downsizing.<WBR>' Our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-<WBR>headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side
door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side. This
was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS ..

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When I left Hawaii and was transferred to Florida , I still had the Hawaiian
plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii ...... I was parking
somewhere (I can't remember) and a guy asked me "Wow, you drove from Hawaii
to here?" I looked at him and quickly said, "Yep, I took the Hawaii/San
Francisco Bridge" He nodded his head and said "Cool!"

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they VOTE and they
REPRODUCE...<WBR>.........<WBR>...